Brad Smith's Blog

A Tale Of Two Idiots

2009-12-20T09:40:00.001-05:00

Those among us who know a little of Ernest Hemingway know him to have been a good - and sometimes great - novelist, and a literary stylist whose prose changed the way people write. He was also a hunter and a fisherman, a boxer and a braggart and a boozer. But until quite recently, I never knew Papa to be a prophet. Yet he was. I know - because he predicted Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin. In his novel For Whom The Bell Tolls we find this passage -

There are two kinds of fools. First there is the winter fool. The winter fool comes to the door of your house and he knocks loudly. He is an impressive sight. He is a very big man and he has on high boots and a fur coat and a fur hat and he is all covered with snow. First he stamps his boots and snow falls from them. Then he takes off his fur hat and knocks it against the door. More snow falls from his fur hat. Then he stamps his boots again and advances into the room. Then you look at him and you see he is a fool. That is the winter fool. Now in the summer you see a fool going down the street and he is waving his arms and jerking his head from side to side and everybody from two hundred yards away can tell he is a fool. That is the summer fool.

Fast forward to the waning days of 2009. And here we find our winter fool - Tiger Woods. It has taken a lot of years for that snow to fall from him, but it has happened, and it’s been an avalanche. We see now that the guy is basically a joke. His image is as phony as Canada’s commitment to cut greenhouse gases. Not only that, but he appears to be operating on as many brain cells as your average rock. Did he really think that he would get away with all these dalliances in this age of texting, cell phones, paparazzi, etc? Not likely, Eldrick. Add in the fact that he was cavorting with a bunch of skanks who couldn’t spell the word discretion, let alone exercise it, and this is what you get. Or maybe Tiger was just determined to prove true the Robin Williams adage - “God gave man a brain and a penis and just enough blood to run one of them at a time.”

And what of our summer fool? Well, Ms. Palin sure fits the bill. There is nothing covert here. She is such an idiot she might as well be wearing her clothes inside out and have snot flying from her nose. Who would want this woman around?

Hamilton, that’s who.

Well, at least a certain ill-advised segment of Hamilton. It was recently announced - with much fanfare - that she had been hired to make a speech at some restaurant in that city. Attendees will be required to pay to listen to her (which is roughly akin to being charged to watch me, in a tutu, performing Swan Lake) and the money raised would then go to local hospitals. Oops. It was quickly noted that Ms. Palin thinks our health care system is pretty much a communist plot, one that will in due time collapse society as we know it and land us all on a commune in the frozen tundra, eating raw potatoes and making our own vodka in a steel drum. (I like that making our own vodka part) Of course, general outrage ensued. The clear-thinking folks of Hamilton wanted nothing to do with this dimwit. And so a different beneficiary was quickly found, one that supports a local children’s charity. Apparently Sarah has no problem with children, even those who might be the spawn of left-leaning losers. This is understandable, as she herself has the deductive skills of your average two-year-old.

Both fools will carry on. Tiger will get divorced - or not - and then he’ll be back playing golf, something he does better than anyone alive, and maybe better than anyone ever. He’ll learn the wisdom of discretion. At the very least, he’s about to discover the price tag of indiscretion.

Sarah Palin will not become president. Nor will she become the Republican candidate for that office in 2012. The GOP has a lot of problems these days but it is smart enough to know that this harpy is not the solution to any of them. However, she might very well end up with her own TV show. Of course, it would have to be on Fox.

Because Fox has no policy against morons hosting talk shows. In fact, they pretty much insist upon it.

WE NEED A SECOND REMEMBRANCE DAY

2009-11-12T09:25:00.002-05:00

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.

The British soldier/poet Siegfried Sassoon wrote these words nearly a hundred years ago but I find myself thinking about them quite often of late. Every year around the 11th of November I am inundated with e-mail tributes to our fallen soldiers - poems, songs, pictorials - with notes urging me to remember, and demands that I pass these sentiments along.

And that is fine with me. We should remember our war dead. But I’m beginning to think that we’ve got the wrong day. You want a day to show that you care about the men and women who serve our country? Try election day.

There’s something wrong about setting aside one day a year to commemorate our soldiers, and then ignoring the decisions that have landed them in harm’s way for the other 364. I’m talking about the decisions brought down by our federal government and specifically I’m talking about Afghanistan. It is time to get the hell out. We have more than honored our commitment to NATO, but more importantly - we’re on a fool’s errand there. We don’t have an identifiable goal, we’re fighting an enemy we can’t see, and we’re falling deeper into a quagmire of Viet Nam-like disaster. You can not win there. The enemy is tribal, and it is brutal, and it is cowardly. And every week more young Canadians - 132 to date - come home in a box.

And yet the people who make our foreign policy go unquestioned. I live in an area that votes largely Conservative. (the completely useless Diane Finley is our MP - we might as well have elected a fence post) And come election day, all these people who were sending out dewey-eyed Remembrance Day tributes yesterday will strap on their blinders and vote for Harper again. This is the same Harper who stated (and later lied about it) that he would have sent Canadian troops to Iraq. What qualifications has he to make these decisions? Who is advising him? Our Minister of Defense is Peter McKay. I wouldn’t trust this idiot to inflate the tires on my truck and yet he decides where and when our soldiers fight...and die. How stupid is Peter McKay? He wanted to marry Belinda Stronach. I rest my case.

Keep in mind that there are countries where the citizenship doesn’t get a say in these matters. Canada isn’t one of them. If you want to demonstrate that you care about our men and women in the forces, then I suggest you do it two days a year. The first day is November 11.

The second is election day.

Jailhouse Rock

2009-05-28T08:56:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while but I think I'd better take the opportunity to do so now because I might be losing computer access.

I think I'm going to jail.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should state that it won't be the first time (although it will be the first time in a while). I might also add that the previous arrests were for minor infractions - acts of youthful exuberance mostly - although I did serve a couple months once as a result of rassling match with a fat cop who was determined to prevent me from attending a summer soiree at Beaver Ullman's place.

But this time is different. This time I think I've landed in really big shit. You see - I have a Canadian flag flying on my front porch. That's right. A Canadian flag. Right here in the middle of - well, in the middle of Canada - but never mind that. The fact is I'm a criminal. A desperado. I am not fit to live among proper human beings.

I know this because just a few short days ago, a couple dozen OPP officers arrested a man trying to erect a Canadian flag in Caledonia. Which is also in the middle of Canada - but never mind that. I'm not sure under which specific section of the criminal code the man was charged but I'm guessing it reads something like this -

"Under the laws of the Dominion, no man shall erect a Canadian flag whereby such erection shall result in the pissing-off of Indians"

Yeah - that's probably how it reads. Don't get me wrong - the Indians should be pissed off. But not about this. They should be pissed off that the federal government refuses to rule on the many land claims they have across this country. It's been decades and decades and nothing has happened. I'd be pissed off too. Undoubtedly some of the claims are legitimate, and undoubtedly some are not. Why won't the feds address this? Puddn'Head Harper - not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed - won't even discuss the matter. Diane Finley - so dim she makes Puddn'Head look like a fucking laser - is not interested either. Will Michael Ignatieff - if he survives those moronic attack ads and becomes PM - do anything? It seems doubtful.

The solution? I don't know - but making the people in Caledonia suffer for the impasse is not working and worse than that - it's not right. If the Indians want action, I have a suggestion. There's a street in Ottawa named Sussex Drive. Blockade that street and I guarantee you'll get some attention. Maybe even somebody will start to listen. Right now Harper is very good at pretending that you don't exist. He won't be able to do that if you're sitting on his front lawn every morning when he wakes up.

Because I have a feeling that preventing Canadians from flying Canadian flags - anywhere in our nation - is not the answer. I'm gonna keep flying mine. If the cops come and get me, so be it. I just hope that Beaver isn't planning another shindig this weekend. Broke my heart to miss the last one.

Mother's Little Helper

2009-02-19T16:42:00.002-05:00

As the biggest Yankee fan in the dominion, I feel obligated to comment on the shocking (!) news that Alex Rodriguez used steroids a few years back. I think we should take a shortcut in the future and try to identify the players who HAVEN'T used roids. Because it looks as if most of the league was juicing at one time. As for A-Rod - there are many reasons to feel sorry for this over-paid superstar (I know - how to you feel sorry for a guy knocking down $27 million a year?) First of all - it appears that the guy is so insecure that one wonders how he gets out of bed in the morning. Secondly - he had to date Madonna. Enuff said about that. But the real reason I feel sorry for him? He got ripped off. A-Rod is a much better ballplayer than Sammy (I no speak English)Sosa and Mark (um, I don't want to talk about the past) McGwire, and he's at least as good as SwollenHead Barry Bonds. However - when these three bozos started doing steroids, they jumped from 40 homers a year to 65, 70 and more. Poor A-Rod - he must've gotten the inferior juice because he never made it to 60. He should find that dealer and beat a refund out of him. Then go home and frost his hair.

While A-Rod was composing his insecure apology, Michael Phelps was getting over the news that Kellogg was no longer his endorsement homey. This because of a photo of the Olympic swimmer surfaced - a cellphone pic of him apparently trying to suck the bottom out of a bong. (by the way, somebody should shove a box of corn flakes up the photographer's nose - what a weasel). Now I really don't think that marijuana has ever been considered a performance enhancing drug, but I guess its use is a bad example for the youth of today. Strange how just Olympic athletes are held to this standard. If the owners of the various NFL teams learned that the ONLY vice their players had was a propensity for smoking a little boo, they'd fall to their knees and thank the ghost of Vince Lombardi. Besides, who says that pot is bad for athletic performance? I recall the 1960 Olympics, when Cheech and Chong took home 27 medals between them.

One more item. A few days ago, a chimpanzee in Connecticut attacked a woman, seriously injuring her. The chimp's owner later admitted to giving the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. The chimp was shot and killed after the attack. There's something not right about that. These other guys took the drugs willingly. The poor chimp was nothing but a pawn in the game.

At least he didn't have to date Madonna.

The Afghan Question

2009-01-06T09:55:00.003-05:00

As we move into a new year - one that promises to be extremely interesting on the Canadian political front - it's time we ask some serious questions about this country's goals with regards to the conflict in Afghanistan. If our goal is to offer up the lives of brave Canadian soldiers while not affecting the situation there in the least - then I say we're doing a hell of a job.

Hopefully that's not our goal.

If a country takes the extreme step of going to war, then that country has to know just what the hell it is trying to accomplish. Canada knew what the goal was in WW11, they knew what the goal was in WW1. They were turf wars - you win the ground, eventually you win the war. No such situation exists in Afghanistan. Turf doesn't exist. In fact, our troops rarely get to fight at all. They move around the country, chasing an invisible and cowardly enemy, and hope to hell they don't drive over an IED. This isn't about turf, it isn't about changing a political regime. It's guerrilla warfare, and the guerrillas hold all the cards. The British couldn't beat the Afghans in the 19th century, the Russians couldn't beat them in the 20th. Nothing has changed in the 21st.

To make matters worse, we're trying to prop up a government that's so corrupt it would look right at home in Illinois. Dexter Filkins of the New York Times recently described the current regime thusly -

“Kept afloat by billions of dollars in American and other foreign aid, the government of Afghanistan is shot through with corruption and graft. From the lowliest traffic policeman to the family of President Hamid Karzai himself, the state built on the ruins of the Taliban government seven years ago now often seems to exist for little more than the enrichment of those who run it.”

And our soldiers are fighting for this? Isn't it time for posturing jackasses like Peter McKay and Puddn'head Harper to either identify our goals there OR bring the troops home? Or maybe they have decided that the Canadian casualty rate is "acceptable". If George W. Bush had concentrated on the Afghan situation after 9/11 - instead of spending hundreds of billions in Iraq - then Canada would not have to be there today. Dubya, of course, will be heading back to his pretend ranch in Texas in a couple weeks.

Our troops will still be in Afghanistan. And nothing about that situation is pretend.

A Dog's Breakfast, Ottawa Style

2008-12-03T11:16:00.003-05:00

I was home last night, thinking I was viewing a hilarious new episode of Monty Python, when I suddenly realized that I was in fact watching the shenanigans of our elected leaders on Parliament Hill. What a bunch of kooks. Apparently it was discovered that the Conservatives, under Prime Minister Stephen "Puddn'head" Harper, have been acting like a bunch of sneaky sons-of-bitches. The Liberals, the NDP and the Bloc, upon learning of this outrage, have responded by acting like a bunch of sneaky sons-of-bitches. And today poor Michaelle Jean - who surely didn't sign up for this shit - has the unfortunate task of sorting it all out. Rumour has it she's seeking an easier gig - like running GM or Chrysler, for instance.

I have to say that this three party coalition has got everybody's shorts in a knot. Petitions are flying around like bullets at Plaxico Burress' birthday party. I think everybody should relax. This mighty coalition - if successful - will remain intact for about 12 minutes. As soon as Jack Layton spots another shiny object to chase - and keep in mind it was Smiling Jack who put Harper in power to begin with - that will be the end of it. Maybe he'll decide that Brian Burke or Celine Dion should get a shot at being PM. Or perhaps even his wife - Olivia Newton Chow.

Even more panic surrounds the involvement of the separtists(!) Surely they are, at long last, planning to disassemble the country. Let's get this straight - the separtist movement in Quebec is like the brain tissue in Julian Fantino's head - it might exist but it's dormant and it's gonna stay that way. The average citizen of La Belle Province doesn't want out. And they particularly don't want out at a time when the world's economy is plummeting like a skydiver without a chute.

As for the Liberals, why are they doing this to Dion? He thought he had escaped and now they pull this on him? Those sneaky sons-of...okay, we already established that. If this thing goes through, Stephane will have to suck it up, be PM for a few months and then vanish into the wilderness. Where he might just find Mr. Harper stumbling around.

You have to wonder where this concept came from. Let's see - a devious, duplicitous, right wing leader who has led the country into a recession while fighting an unwinnable war is sent into exile? Nope, drawing a blank. But gee - maybe Dubya has a spare room for Puddn'head down in Crawford.

There is one thing missing in all this though. As the GOP flamed out last month south of the border, they brought in Sarah Palin to throw gasoline on the fire. We need our own version of this. Someone just like Sarah - sassy, flashy, all mavericky, with an expensive wardrobe and the intelligence of a Haldimand County fencepost.

Come on home, Belinda Stronach. Your country needs you.

Puddn'head's Folly

2008-10-13T08:17:00.002-04:00

Well, Election Day draws near and it's looking as if it's gonna be Much Ado About Nothing. Puddn'head Harper has rolled the dice, hoping - apparently in vain - for a majority and wasting taxpayers' time and money in the process. Nothing will change. Harper is still George Bush-Lite, Dion has failed to capture the nation's attention and Jack Layton is an annoying energizer bunny, running around like a chicken with no head, making all kinds of promises he knows he'll never have to keep because he knows he's never gonna be prime minister. Keep in mind that he's the guy who put Harper in power to begin with, when he brought down the Liberal government back in '06. It's time for a name change for the NDP leader - just substitute "Ass" for Layton and be done with it.

Harper continues to be the classic wolf in sheep's clothing, biding his time for a majority in the house so he can show his true colors. But you should consider this - he recently stated that Canadian troops will remain in Afghanistan until 2011. Why this arbitrary date? Aren't we at war there? Is Puddn'head saying we will win by then? Of course not. The war is not winnable. Canada is there as part of NATO, even though most of the other NATO countries are not pulling their weight. The need to be there - of course - is due to Dubya not finishing the job after 9/11. Harper is kissing Dubya's ass at a time when nobody else on the political landscape will even agree to have their picture taken with that bogus cowboy fuckstick. And the cost of this ass-kissing? Many more dead Canadian men and women - our brave soldiers who are fighting for a war with no goal, no objective. Until 2011. Cuz Puddn'head says so.

Which brings us to Haldimand/Norfolk...my bailiwick. Diane Finley is the MP for this area and - as representatives go - this women is like a fart in a tornado. I don't care who you vote for - Liberal, NDP, Independent, Green or Plaid - but if you vote for this woman, you'll get exactly what you deserve. And it won't be much. Finley has been absent on the Caledonia front from the get-go, even though land claims are a federal issue. She has turned her back on the riding from the start, preferring to stay in Ottawa with her attack dog/bully husband, who serves at the bidding of ol' Puddn'head himself. The woman is a joke. I don't know if anyone can help this riding but I do know this - we cannot reward this do-nothing blithering shrew with another term.

No way. No how.

Mr. Zimmerman comes to Hamilton

2008-08-23T18:47:00.002-04:00

Hooked up with an old acquaintance Wednesday night in a hockey arena in Hamilton. Bob Dylan rolled into town on his tour bus and delighted, dismayed and confused fans for a couple hours before lamming it for the wilds of Ohio.

It's strange - I'm somebody who's been accused of never listening to anybody and yet I realize I've been listening to Bob Dylan for about 40 years. Yikes. Leonard Cohen called Dylan the greatest lyrical genius of the past 500 years. George Harrison said that a hundred years from now, the only music from our time that will survive is Dylan's. And the guy beside me at the concert, smoking a spliff the size of a fucking cohiba, said - "Yo, Bobby!"

I gotta agree with all of them.

Dylan has been touring constantly for a lot of years now and he blew his voice to pieces about a decade ago. He now sounds like Tom Waits gargling with kerosene. The thing is - the guy is not a good singer. He's a GREAT singer. Listen to Slow Train Coming sometime. Nobody else - not Sinatra, Bennett or Ella Fitzgerald - could sing those songs. His enunciation - which has always been a moveable feast - these days falls somewhere between Buckwheat from the Little Rascals and a punch drunk boxer. If you know the lyrics you're okay. If not, you're screwed. His arrangements are quirky too - one of the great things about seeing Dylan is to listen to the first 30 seconds of a song and ask, "What the fuck is that?" and then go, "Oh, it's Just Like A Woman, which on Wednesday night was sung in Al Pacino's over-the-top actor's staccato. Scent Of A Woman meets Bob from Hibbing.

But that's just Bobby being Bobby. He has always confounded people. There were those there Wednesday night who wanted nothing more in all the world than for Dylan to strap on his old Martin acoustic and trill "Blowing In The Wind" like he did back in the day. But my theory is this - there are certain artists out there, of a certain age, who fear one thing more than any other. And that one thing is becoming a musty, irrelevant golden oldie act.

That ain't never gonna happen with this guy.

CB Open '08

2008-08-09T09:01:00.003-04:00

It is my reluctant duty to report on the second annual CB Open, held this Wednesday past at the revered old course at Dunnville, Ontario, along the banks of the rolling Grand River. The tournament - named for a feisty banty rooster who roamed this area last year - is fast becoming the most prestigious 9-hole event in the golfing world.

The course - designed by Tom Dodgson in 1922 - was in reasonably good shape, in spite of the torrential rains which have plagued the area all summer long. As it turned out, the rains also contributed to the outcome of the tournament. The reigning champs - Liz "Tigeress" MacDonald and your humble blogger - both possess golf games that are every bit as detailed and precision-ed as the work of a diamond cutter. The overly wet conditions played havoc with this precision and allowed Sue "The Next One" Vail and Mark "Burrowing Owl" Plug to usurp the champs and steal away the title. It was an unpopular victory, as was evident by the hisses and boos from the grandstands surrounding the old course. Ms. Vail carried the day for the winning squad, playing perhaps her best game of the year. Mr. Plug shot his age over 9 holes, a result that would have made him extremely happy...had it happened in 1992.

All the golfers retired to a private estate on Lake Erie, accompanied by Lori Plug, the tournament's convener. Refreshments were served and many of the world's problems solved. Ms. MacDonald and Mr. Smith were amazingly gracious in defeat - both growing more witty and charming with each libation.

And they both agree - Susie and Marky are going down next year.

Sunday at the GougeDome

2008-07-15T08:37:00.003-04:00

Went to Toronto on the weekend, to catch the Jays and da Yanks at the SkyDome...or Rogers Center...or whatever they're calling that embarrassing, tax-funded disgrace of a ball field these days. I gotta say the trip was quite a little lesson in Toronto sports economics. And then - to top it off - I was reading this morning how certain Jays players were bemoaning the attendance woes at the old home field.

Gee, I wonder why?

Our seats were halfway between first base and the right field fence. Not exactly what Regis Philbin and squirrel-hair Donald Trump score at Yankee Stadium. But the cost? 50 bucks a pop. A can of beer costs 9 dollars and change. A water 4 bucks. A little cup of ice cream for the kiddies? 6 dollars. You get the picture? You have a bad ball team in an ugly stadium and all the owners can think about, apparently, is the most efficient way to fuck their patrons out of every nickel possible.

Oh, did I say patrons? We were privileged to sit among a group of the dumbest motherfuckers this side of the Bush cabinet. Every time I go to that place, someone arranges to have the same guy sit behind me. Skinny baseball nerd with a whiny voice who knows every little thing about the Jays and absolutely nothing about the game. This dude couldn't throw a baseball the length of his smart car but he could tell you Dave Steib's ERA in 1991. He never batted an eye when I told him the Yankees traded Hideki Matsui to the Toledo Mud Hens.

Oh yeah...the parking situation. We scored big time, finding a spot behind the giant beer store on Queen's Quay. Imagine our delight when we spotted a sign proclaiming "5 Dollars Max". The bylaw enforcer - a little dweeb in a rent-a-cop uniform - happened by while we were rassling with the ticket gizmo. He asked if we were going to the game and then agreed with me that 5 bucks was a hell of a deal for parking in that neck of the woods. We felt quite honored to be conversing with a man of such importance. When we returned we discovered that the little prick had further honored us with a 30 dollar parking ticket. Apparently the maximum you had to pay for parking was indeed 5 bucks. The sign didn't mention that you only got 2 hours for your fin. The little dweeb neglected to tell us that part.

There was one remarkable thing about the game. OPP head honcho Julian Fantino was there. They hauled him out of the crowd at one point to make a draw, or sing Happy Birthday...or something like that. It was pretty amazing that he was there watching the game. I mean, I live near Caledonia and Brantford. How can a man who has had his head up his ass for the past two years watch anything?

Untruth In Advertising

2008-06-07T08:38:00.002-04:00

If you happen to see the book section of today's Globe and Mail, you might notice an ad for a book called Sun Going Down. The book is apparently a sort of Little House On The Prairie...Redux. A blurb attributed to me accompanies the ad. I DID NOT WRITE THE BLURB. Furthermore, I did not consent for my name to be associated with this book in any manner. How this cluster fuck happened is a mystery - best guess is that there was a gas leak in the office of the senior editor at Penguin Canada. Whatever the case, the whole thing smells of fish three days dead.

Fifth Estate - Hamilton Style

2008-05-31T09:08:00.002-04:00

The nearest thing I have to a local TV station is CHCH out of Hamilton (Ont). Being a bit of a news junkie, I usually dial them in at 6 p.m. - although I confess to being a habitual clicker. Well, last night I tuned in, as usual. Now what earth-shattering story do you think led off the newscast? There are, of course, many options in these electric times, and a discerning news director would have his hands full deciding who should bat lead-off. Among his choices, for instance:

There's the ongoing court case in Brantford, where the city has filed an injunction in an attempt to stop the Indians from demanding "fees" from developers in that area. One city lawyer yesterday referred to the practice as a good old-fashioned "shakedown". Fascinating stuff, and a story that's only going to heat up in the weeks to come.

Alas - that was not the lead story on CHCH last night.

What about the tantalizing tale of the biker chick and the MP? You know - the one where our foreign affairs minister, Maxime Bernier has taken a fall for leaving "secret" documents at the apartment of his girlfriend - the fetching Julie Couillard. Ms. Couillard apparently has a past that would make for a good Sidney Sheldon novel, and a rack that I'm sure has the folks at Maxim magazine salivating. It's rather interesting that sanctimonious types like Christie Blatchford have chosen to make her the devil in this mix. Never mind that Bernier left the "secret" (what the hell was in that envelope - the formula for getting the goo in Cadbury bars?) documents there for FIVE weeks. No wonder he's been declared Harper's "Puddin'head Of The Month" (a rather prestigious award named for the PM himself). Now Harper is forced to make another trip down to Moron's R Us to find himself another cabinet minister. I might add that our esteemed MP Diane Finley would never be caught doing anything circumspect like that. Well, technically, she's never actually done anything AT ALL...but that's another story.

In any event - the bimbo and the bozo didn't make the cut at CHCH.

So what did, you're wondering? Skyrocketing gas prices? Nope. Scott McClellan's new book suggesting that George Dubya Bush is a moron? (okay, okay - that's not really news) But no again.

Last night CHCH chose to lead off its venerable 6 o'clock newscast with FIVE AND A HALF MINUTES (yeah - I timed it) of stories about the new movie Sex And The City. I'm not making this up. This is a film about 4 women who live in New York City and spend their days...um...fighting crime? Okay, I have no idea what they spend their days doing. I've never seen the TV series and I would drive knitting needles into my eyes before I would watch the movie. But CHCH had all of the salient and fascinating details. This is a station that only allotted a minute in a half to the 9/11 attacks before going to Merry Weather Matthew for the weekend forecast.

I can't wait 'til tonight. I have a suspicion they're going to do an in-depth feature on The Andy Griffith rerun showing later this evening. Although if Barney Fife was involved in this little dog and pony show, I'm quite certain he would advise them to nip it. Nip it in the bud. I'm with ol' Barney on this one.

Olympic Rings & Scientific Circles

2008-04-14T14:28:00.000-04:00

Does anybody out there give a rat’s ass about the Olympics these days? I mean, the actual athletic events - where steroid cheats and German laboratory freaks compete for shiny chunks of bling to dangle from their thick necks? The Olympic Torch is currently on a world-wide tour - like fellow flamer Elton John - and every day we hear of protests against it. The torch has its own security team traveling with it. That alone should tell you that this thing is out of control. Torches don’t need bodyguards. I have an old flashlight here that comes and goes as it pleases and none of the neighbours seem to give a damn.

Of course, the problem is China, and - as problems go - this one’s a real motherfucker. Someone once told Napoleon that China was a "sleeping giant" and the little Frenchman replied, "Let her sleep. When she awakes, she will move the world." Well, she is awake these days, folks. And she’s quite a scamp - trampling on human rights, ignoring the environment, and attempting, for some reason, to add a little dash of lead to everything she manufactures. There are huge problems in dealing with China, and going there to compete in athletic games that are increasingly irrelevant won’t do a damn thing to address these concerns. Let the Olympics die. Who cares if some mutant Jose Canseco look-alike can lift a school bus over his fat empty head? Not me.

Okay, 2008 is depressing. Let’s go to 1860. A reader in Kansas City sent me this link recently. In my novel Busted Flush, I speculated that my hero Willy Burns might have recorded Abe Lincoln’s voice at Gettysburg in 1863, an act that would have trumped old Tom Edison’s ace and made quite a splash in scientific circles (not that I have ever been in such a circle). Many people assumed that the notion was just a figment of my imagination, but it was in fact based on my discovery that Edouard-Leon Scott sold phonautographs as early as 1858, for research purposes, and may have recorded voices in the process - even though he didn’t have the capability of playing the sound back. This new evidence supports that claim. Also, history notes that Scott did indeed visit Lincoln in the White House earlier in 1863 and allegedly recorded the Great Emancipator at that time, in the interest of posterity. If anyone stumbles upon that particular cylinder, give me a shout. I’ll trade you my ‘86 Ford F150 for it, straight up.

I’ll end this with a challenge. I’ve been arguing with my cousin whether or not George W. Bush is the worst American president ever. I say he is. In fact, if the Three Stooges had ever been elected co-presidents, my pick would still be Dubya. If Mike Harris had been elected prez, my pick would still be the current occupant, although that contest would be a little tighter. So who’s the worst? The dithering Buchanan? A despicable Andrew Johnson? Or dopey old Warren G. Harding? I say it’s Dubya in a romp. Anyone who can provide evidence proving otherwise gets a crack at the F150.

Roger this, the dodo, Tasmanians

2008-02-14T13:23:00.003-05:00

Samuel Johnson once mentioned that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. And the sainted one, Bob Dylan, borrowing freely from ol' Sam, once sang,

Patrotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings,
Steal a little and they'll throw you in jail,
Steal a lot and they'll make you king

I was thinking of these two fellows yesterday as I was watching Roger Clemens wrap himself in the American flag as he stood before congress, under oath, lying his weasel heart out. Scoundrel is too kind a word for this guy. In the course of protecting his vision of himself as the greatest pitcher of all time, he proceeded to throw his friend, Andy Pettitte, onto the burning bonfire of the Rocket's own reputation and then - for good measure - he heaved his wife on there too. Who knows - he may have run over a few orphans with his Hummer when he left. Aside from a few Republican congressmen with their heads rooted firmly up their asses, there is no doubt now that Clemens cheated constantly and now seems to be willing to lie just as vociferously about that cheating. And when he says he doesn't care about the Hall of Fame...that's another lie. I'm hoping that he will get in the Hall of Fame - by buying a ticket.

In local news...there was a Diane Finley sighting this week! Our local MP - who many had thought had gone the way of the dodo bird, actually showed up in this area. Doing her usual Roy Orbison thing, and handing out money, but not nearly as much as was needed for the town. She also spouted off a little about Caledonia, where Finley sightings have been as rare as rocking horse shit. One wonders just why she would show up now...perhaps looking for her shadow to see how much winter is left? Or maybe - just maybe she's here because of the rumoured (and ill-advised) election we might have this spring. Shoring up the old profile, you know? Tell you what - if this do-nothing tinhorn gets elected next time around, I'm moving to Tasmania.

Speaking of Caledonia, I have a good buddy who teaches high school there and by all accounts, he is one of the best teachers ever in that facility. Sorry, I should say he used to teach high school there. Right now, he's cooling his heels at home because he's been charged with assaulting a student. Now I don't know the details of this particular case but I have a pretty good idea that, as assaults go, I've had sneezes that were more violent. Again, I can not speak to this case directly but I have several friends who are teachers and I have learned that things are different these days. Back in the day, we often got into trouble because we were trouble. And when it happened, the last people we wanted to know about it were our parents. But kids have changed over the years. Apparently, they are now perfect little darlings and and as such never ever require discipline. So, if ever they are disciplined, of course they run home to Mommy and Daddy, who - knowing that their children are perfect little darlings - have no recourse but to blame the teacher. Sounds like a fun system to me. By the way, I'm also told that Grade 2 kids now routinely tell their teachers to fuck off. I'm guessing that's the teacher's fault too.

If I had ever said that to one of my teachers, and my Dad found out, I would not have gone home. I would've moved to Tasmania.

Da Gouge

2008-01-07T09:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, let's talk about gas. No - not the stuff spewing out of Roger Clemens these days. I'm talking about the fuel you buy at the pumps. Buy is actually too harsh a word - they're practically giving the stuff away of late. (that would be sarcasm)

A year ago, crude oil was about 60 bucks a barrel. Now it's around 100 dollars. All the gas and oil we use in Canada comes from Canada...most of it these days from the tar sands in Alberta. When oil was 60 bucks, the folks out in the tar sands were making lots of money on a barrel of crude. Which means they are making a shitload of money now on that same barrel. (I'm assuming that their production costs haven't gone up 80% in the last 12 months) The price rises when the world price goes up - due to political unrest, war, weather (our gas skyrocketed because there was a hurricane in the Gulf Of Mexico? Oh - that makes perfect sense)

So why - exactly - are the producers obligated to gouge us at the pumps? The answer - they are required to sell oil to Canadians for the world market price.

Says who?

35% of the cost of a litre of gas is tax. Presently, that's roughly 40 cents on a litre. Apparently our government has lots of money these days. They just did us the incredible favour of lopping a percentage point off the GST. I know this because I saw that little finance guy who looks like a grown-up Beaver Cleaver babbling on about it on TV. As wonderful as that gesture was (I mist up even now) - why don't they do us a real service? Why don't we have a party - or a leader of a party - who will step forward and admit what's true? The oil companies - many of them foreign-owned - and the government - are getting stinking rich at the gas pumps. You ever wonder why we can buy Canadian gas in the States cheaper than we can buy it here? I do.

You wanna be the next prime minister of Canada? Tell the voters you'll freeze gas at 75 cents a litre. Everybody's still gonna get rich at that price. So if you see Stephan Dion (has anybody seen that guy lately?)...tell him. You can tell Jack Layton, but he rides a bike and he'll just look at you like a monkey looking at the inside of a watch. You can tell Puddn'Head Harper but he's already prime minister and he's busy freaking out over what he's gonna do when the Americans kick that clown George Dubya Bush to the curb and elect Barack Obama. Puddn'Head has never actually seen a black man in person before.

But I digress. This is the solution. Gas prices are the biggest scam in our country today. And we are still in large part a rural nation. We need our vehicles and we need fuel to drive them.

You are welcome.

If I could just figure out a way to tap into Roger Clemens - I could drive free for a year.

Weasels To The Left Of Me, Cheaters To The Right

2007-12-15T09:46:00.001-05:00

And I’m standing on the border between.

Before we get to the Mitchell Report, let’s have a look in the mirror first. We had a real hall of fame week here in the Great White North. Unfortunately, that would be the slimeball hall of fame. Robert Picton, Conrad Black, Brian Mulroney. These guys, among them, don’t have enough redeemable qualities to make a compost heap.

Regarding the concerns that Picton was convicted of second degree instead of first - and therefore eligible for earlier release - forget about it. While it is unfathomable that he was not convicted of first, he ain’t getting parole. Not in 25 years, not in 100. Not gonna happen.

As for Conrad, Lord Black of CrossBooger, he was arrogant to the end. There’s something fascinating about a guy who can hold that pose when he’s convicted, sentenced, and looking in general like the pompous boob he’s always been. We’ll see if he can hold that pose when he’s on his hands and knees, scrubbing toilets with the homeys down in that Florida prison. Yo Conny, bring the Saniflush.

And then there’s our ex-prime minister. Myron Baloney. Just looking at his smarmy, slimy countenance, while he delivered his version of events to Ottawa this week, makes a man want to hurl. The bad news - he’s gonna walk on this thing because 1) The guy accusing him, Carl Schreiber, is damn near as despicable as Brian himself (no mean feat) and 2) Nobody will be able to prove any real ‘wrongdoing’. It’s perfectly okay for a prime minister to accept a few hundred grand in cash in a hotel room, for services to be rendered (they have a name for women who commit such acts) and it’s perfectly okay for him to ‘forget’ to pay tax on that money for a few years. One thing won’t change though - Mulroney is still the classless cretin he’s always been, from the days he was cheating to get through university to the times he kissed Ronald Reagan’s ass from here to Tipperary.

Speaking of cheating, it was shocking to learn this week that baseball has a steroid problem. Well, if you are shocked at that, I’ve some real bad news for you regarding Santa Claus. The Mitchell Report made quite a splash - exposing, in particular, Roger Clemens to be the ‘roider we always suspected him to be. However, it’s too bad that the report had to rely predominantly on two informers from the New York teams. The commission had little leverage because it did not have subpoena power, and because of that it got virtually no cooperation from the players. Read the report - even the players named still refused to speak to the accusations when given a chance. All of them. If you’re innocent, aren’t you gonna want to tell your side? In the end, though, the report is flawed because of all the players who are NOT named. No stars at all from Boston, Chicago, St. Louis, Seattle, L.A., Milwaukee, Kansas City, etc. etc. etc. Nobody on those teams ever did 'roids? Gimme a break. A lot of guys breathing easier these days because of that. While overall, the report is a good thing for baseball, the problem remains the same as it is with the Olympics - the cheaters are always gonna be one step ahead of the testers.

Thoughts On Shopping

2007-11-25T13:27:00.000-05:00

The festive season is fast approaching and I am already giddy just thinking about malls and shopping and such. Okay, that would be sarcasm. But seriously, I hope that everyone gets what they deserve this year. Especially Brian Mulroney and Barry Bonds.

I do have a suggestion for a new event this Christmas though. I propose that we find the guy who invented the debit card and give him a good old-fashioned horse-whipping. The debit card is like Coors Light and Paris Hilton - there is no conceivable reason for its popularity. It slows things down, folks. It really slows things down when the person in front of you in line is attempting to swipe her Air Miles card through the gizmo, thinking it is her debit card. (that actually happened to me recently). The other day I was in an Avondale and the pimply-faced kid in front of me was attempting - in vain - to pay for a bottle of pop with his card. A bottle of pop! If you don't have enough cash on you to buy a Pepsi - stay home. Your folks probably have pop in the fridge. No doubt they used a debit card to pay for it.

I think there should be a "Cash Only" register at the supermarket. That would work out really well for me cuz I'd be the only guy using it. It might start a groundswell - people using cash to pay for stuff. What a concept! But let's consider this public flogging proposal. We could do it in Central Park. All we need is a horsewhip...and the guy who invented the damn card. We could make it an annual event, sing carols, hoist a few, maybe throw in some tar and feathers next year. And it would serve as a warning to the next smart-ass card inventor out there.

I'm signing books next Saturday (Dec. 1) at Waterfront Books, 214 Chestnut Street in Dunnville. 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. There will be books for sale so...um, bring your debit cards.

Damn.

Holy Smokes Redux

2007-11-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

Some eagle-eyed readers have politely (ahem) pointed out to me that I erred in the previous post when I stated that the smoke shop in question was on public property. My crack investigative squad tells me that the readers are correct. At least one of the sites - and maybe more - was indeed on private property. Mea culpa.

Thus far, nobody has come forward with any evidence to argue my claim that the OPP in Caledonia is incompetent...or that Fantino has his head up his ass.

Keystone Cops, Fatuous Fantino, A-Rod to Dunnville

2007-11-08T17:52:00.000-05:00

The OPP proved once again that there is no limit to their incompetence, putting the run on a Caledonia man this week for selling cigarettes along a public road while allowing 'others' to continue selling smokes a short distance away. Two-tier justice is alive and well and thriving in Haldimand County. I keep waiting for one of these cops to break ranks, to come forward and admit that he or she is embarassed to be part of this sham, that he or she is ashamed to be collecting all that over-time while sitting on their asses and looking the other way. Ain't gonna happen. Hey, maybe Diane Finley will don her fake nose and glasses and drive through town again. That oughta help.

Speaking of cops, OPP head honcho Julian Fantino made the news this week, with some babble-speak about the cost of the Caledonia stand-off. Apparently Fantino blames Gary McHale for a large portion of this, ignoring the fact that his make-believe police force is the real problem. Spec columnist Susan Clairmont - not the sharpest tool in the shed - appears to agree with Fantino, who has proved himself to be a tinhorn and a huge disappointment to the people of Caledonia. He's recently written - or printed - a book about his life and his great deeds. That's all we need - another work of fiction.

The underwhelming attention A-Rod is receiving means he might very well start next season with the famed Rolling Thunder of Dunnville - my old club. With him at third, they're a cinch to win the league. But not the title, of course.

The chicken-raising season is now over. The birds have...um...gone to live on a farm in the country. Yeah, that's it.

Green Days, GibbyHawks and Damned Yankees

2007-10-09T06:35:00.000-04:00

Election day around the bend and it looks as if I'm going to vote Green this time, based purely on the process of elimination. The local Liberal candidate is a tinhorn with the intellect of George Dubya Bush and the moral compass of Dick Cheney. A vote for the PC guy is a vote for John Tory, whom I suspect is Mike Harris in a faith-based sheep's clothing. And the NDP candidate is apprently okay with the Indians holding the town of Caledonia hostage while a useless police force sits in their cruisers, slopping back Tim Horton's coffee like hogs at a trough - that is, if hogs were eligible for huge overtime cheques. So - it's the Greens for me - in the hopes that in the future a candidate will appear who is electable yet not despicable.

The annual GibbyHawk charity golf tournament was held on Thanksgiving weekend (that would be the Canadian Thanksgiving). The tournament - a memorial for Don Gibson and Frank Bird - is now 14 years and running. I fear it has lost its focus - and its raison d'etre - from time to time, but it remains a good thing at its heart. Essentially it is a 6 or 7 hour orgy of camaraderie and bad golf shots and the re-acquainting of old friends. The GibbyHawk continues to provide thousands of dollars of support to the community. Initially supporting minor sports in the main, in recent years it has focused more on bursaries and additional financial help for students moving on to college and university. This year it will also help a young accident victim become mobile once again.

The Yankees est mort, and so is CB. The Yanks shall rise again.

Go Indians Go.

Feisty Fest, CB's buddy, Caledonia Breakdown

2007-09-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

All Hat the movie arrived at 6 p.m. Tuesday at the Isabel Bader Theater in Toronto. The movie premiered as part of the 07' Toronto Film Fest. It was a raucous showing, with a few dozen Canfielders and Dunnvillains in attendance. (maybe a little too raucous, but that's another story)

All Hat seems to be a success - the film looks amazing, thanks to the efforts of the great Canadian cameraman Paul Sarossy. In my opinion, rural Ontario has been sadly neglected by Canadian filmmakers over the years. In this film, the province is gorgeous - fall colours, rolling farmland, fields of corn and soy and grain. The good news is - it's a pretty big province. We didn't shoot the whole thing. Filmmakers - go for it.

There are at least a half dozen terrific performances in the movie - Joel Keller, Rachel Leigh Cook, Graham Greene, Luke Kirby, Keith Carradine, Noam Jenkins and so on. A great scene-stealing horse named Beau plays two parts, a concept I borrowed not from the old Patty Duke Show but from Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper. I make this distinction because A) Twain has more cachet than Ms. Duke, and B)Because Patty Duke is still alive and could sue my country ass. Twain, alas, is in the public domain - I can steal from him with impunity. A great party followed the premier, at The Dakota on Ossington. (note to Daniel Baldwin - not The Dakota on Davenport...sorry, Luke)

For CB devotees, the little guy has a new friend. I went to feed the chickens the other morning and lo and behold, an odd looking game bird was loitering around the pen door. Neighbour George identified it as a Chukar, from the partridge family. Said Chukar is now a member of the Haldimand Trail Gang. Theories abound concerning his unexpected presence. I'm thinking CB advertised on-line for a 'wild' playmate. And he got one.

More bullshit from Caledonia this week. A man is in the hospital as of this writing, semi-conscious after being beaten by natives in a half constructed house that he apparently owns. The man's family states that he was attacked, unprovoked. The Indians say that it was they who were attacked, and that they were just defending themselves. I have one question - if you had been attacked and merely defended yourself, wouldn't you automatically want to come forward with your story? Well, the Indians have not. Why the hell not?

All Hat Coming Down The Road

2007-09-05T08:48:00.000-04:00

Bob Dylan wrote that he who's not busy being born is busy dyin'.

Well, ALL HAT the movie is about to get busy being born. The world premier is at the Toronto International Film Festival, next Tuesday (9/11...yikes). 6 p.m. at the Isabel Bader Theater, 93 Charles St. W.
The second showing at 12:45 Thursday the 13th, at the Varsity 2, 55 Bloor St. W. Free popcorn if you mention CB's name. (just don't ask for fried chicken)

On a related note, check out www.cbc.ca/wordsatlarge/blog - more background info on the movie. Some of it is even true.

Our Troops

2007-08-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

I read a piece in the Globe the other day concerning our troops in Afghanistan. Apparently Canadian troops are being killed at three times the rate of other allied forces. There are a couple of reasons for this. One, Canadian troops are stationed for the most part in the more dangerous areas of the country. However, the second reason is more compelling. Nearly all the casualties are the result of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED'S), implanted bombs that destroy ground transport. Canadian troops are more susceptible to these attacks when moving personnel because they have no helicopters. The obvious question is why the hell not? Young Canadian women and men are giving their lives because our government hasn't seen fit to outfit them properly. The war itself is questionable at best - we're fighting the Taliban because Dubya didn't bother to finish the job after 9/11. He was too busy inventing reasons to invade Iraq. Last week I saw Prime Minister Puddn'head Harper standing beside Dubya, smiling like a jackass. He should have been asking him for choppers.

And we should be asking ourselves, come election time, why Canadian troops don't have the full and utmost support of the country they're serving. It's criminal - and Harper, McKay and the rest of those tinhorns running the show in Ottawa should be made to answer for it.

Barroid Bonds, Chicken Golf, Hog Farm Bye Bye

2007-08-10T07:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, let's get this out of the way first. Baseball is the greatest game ever invented. No other game is even close. Barry Bonds is a lying, cheating embarrassment to the game of baseball, and to mankind in general. He does not possess a fraction of the class and grace of Henry Aaron, nor the smallest percentile of the baseball skills of George Herman Ruth, let alone the Babe's ravenous and unmitigated joie de vivre. As for the despicable Bonds, we shall speak of him no more.

The first annual CB Open was held this week at the prestigious Freedom Oaks Golf and Country Club on the fair shores of Lake Erie. Played under a doubles format, the coveted Port Maitland Cup was captured by this blogger and his partner, the golfing comet Liz MacDonald. The tournament, named for a famed banty rooster from nearby Haldimand Trail, is already being touted as the "fifth" major. Finishing second this year - in a gallant effort - was the team of Sue Sabbatini and Sergio Plug. Condolences to them. And um...better luck next year. Nice try. Etc.

It was revealed this week that the hog factory slated for Ramsay Road is no longer in the works. This was a proposal for a factory farm, to house 3000 sows, with a lagoon slated to contain (allegedly) 1.25 million gallons of liquid pig shit. Oh...all of this on a piece of property less than one mile from Lake Erie, and a mile from the Grand River. HogWatch Dunnville fought against this environmental-disaster-in-waiting a few years ago and managed to bring the project to a standstill. The owners have now asked that the building permits be revoked. HogWatch Dunnville was told that this battle was not winnable. Well, they won and they helped to rid the county of an incompetent mayor in the process. Never underestimate the power of a grassroots group...with access to the internet.

All Hat the film is slated for the Toronto Film Fest for September 11. Time and venue to be announced.

Cops and whiners and a bird called CB

2007-07-27T08:55:00.000-04:00

We could use some help out here in the boonies. There’s been a crime. A couple weeks ago, one of Ontario’s finest police officers was driving between Dunnville and Cayuga in the wee hours of the morning. Suddenly an oncoming "reckless" driver forced the cop off the road. He crashed his cruiser into the mighty Grand River, totaling the vehicle. So now the authorities are on the look-out for the aforementioned "reckless" driver.
I’m thinking they should look under the cop’s hat.

Sergio Garcia is not this year’s British Open champ. However, he has - in my book - seized the coveted Whiner Of The Year Award...and it’s only July. It was a slam dunk after his post- tournament press conference Sunday, when he blamed everything and everybody from slow trap rakers to bad bounces off pins. I think he even claimed that on Saturday night a tipsy Lindsay Lohan ran over his golf clubs with her SUV.
Here’s the deal, Sergio - ever since Old Tom Morris began whacking clods of sheep shit around a meadow with a hickory limb, one thing has remained constant - nobody likes a whiner.

My neighbor and I are raising chickens, free range style. We’ve got 18 of them - actually received them when they were just a day old. Now 5 weeks along, 17 are unremarkable, ugly, rapidly-growing half-feathered creatures. The 18th bird is the rounder of the bunch. He came into this world with a crooked beak, the bottom portion drifting out at a 45 degree angle from the top. His name is CB (for Crooked Beak). Because of his defect, CB is unable to eat properly. He does his damned-est at the feeder, all day long, but he is at present time maybe one third the size of the others. We shove worms down his gullet occasionally. This delights him (as it would us all, I assume). CB’s size, and his unique expression due to his beak, has rendered him a look comparable to one of the Dead End Kids, or maybe a member of the Lollipop Guild from The Wizard of Oz. If they make a movie of his life, Jimmy Cagney will play him. CB has personality coming out of his pores. He’s forever hanging around the door of the pen, dying to get out into the big world beyond. He’s got a little guy’s cockiness about him. He even walks differently than the rest. The rest of the brood, I’m forced to admit, have rosemary and olive oil and a hint of sage in their futures. I’m thinking more and more, though, that CB might avoid the axe.
Got a feeling come January or so, he’s gonna be sitting on my couch in front of the TV, drinking a vodka martini and smoking a cigarette and asking where’s the goddamn clicker.