Thoughts On Shopping

The festive season is fast approaching and I am already giddy just thinking about malls and shopping and such. Okay, that would be sarcasm. But seriously, I hope that everyone gets what they deserve this year. Especially Brian Mulroney and Barry Bonds.

I do have a suggestion for a new event this Christmas though. I propose that we find the guy who invented the debit card and give him a good old-fashioned horse-whipping. The debit card is like Coors Light and Paris Hilton - there is no conceivable reason for its popularity. It slows things down, folks. It really slows things down when the person in front of you in line is attempting to swipe her Air Miles card through the gizmo, thinking it is her debit card. (that actually happened to me recently). The other day I was in an Avondale and the pimply-faced kid in front of me was attempting - in vain - to pay for a bottle of pop with his card. A bottle of pop! If you don't have enough cash on you to buy a Pepsi - stay home. Your folks probably have pop in the fridge. No doubt they used a debit card to pay for it.

I think there should be a "Cash Only" register at the supermarket. That would work out really well for me cuz I'd be the only guy using it. It might start a groundswell - people using cash to pay for stuff. What a concept! But let's consider this public flogging proposal. We could do it in Central Park. All we need is a horsewhip...and the guy who invented the damn card. We could make it an annual event, sing carols, hoist a few, maybe throw in some tar and feathers next year. And it would serve as a warning to the next smart-ass card inventor out there.

I'm signing books next Saturday (Dec. 1) at Waterfront Books, 214 Chestnut Street in Dunnville. 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. There will be books for sale so...um, bring your debit cards.

Damn.

Holy Smokes Redux

Some eagle-eyed readers have politely (ahem) pointed out to me that I erred in the previous post when I stated that the smoke shop in question was on public property. My crack investigative squad tells me that the readers are correct. At least one of the sites - and maybe more - was indeed on private property. Mea culpa.

Thus far, nobody has come forward with any evidence to argue my claim that the OPP in Caledonia is incompetent...or that Fantino has his head up his ass.

Keystone Cops, Fatuous Fantino, A-Rod to Dunnville

The OPP proved once again that there is no limit to their incompetence, putting the run on a Caledonia man this week for selling cigarettes along a public road while allowing 'others' to continue selling smokes a short distance away. Two-tier justice is alive and well and thriving in Haldimand County. I keep waiting for one of these cops to break ranks, to come forward and admit that he or she is embarassed to be part of this sham, that he or she is ashamed to be collecting all that over-time while sitting on their asses and looking the other way. Ain't gonna happen. Hey, maybe Diane Finley will don her fake nose and glasses and drive through town again. That oughta help.

Speaking of cops, OPP head honcho Julian Fantino made the news this week, with some babble-speak about the cost of the Caledonia stand-off. Apparently Fantino blames Gary McHale for a large portion of this, ignoring the fact that his make-believe police force is the real problem. Spec columnist Susan Clairmont - not the sharpest tool in the shed - appears to agree with Fantino, who has proved himself to be a tinhorn and a huge disappointment to the people of Caledonia. He's recently written - or printed - a book about his life and his great deeds. That's all we need - another work of fiction.

The underwhelming attention A-Rod is receiving means he might very well start next season with the famed Rolling Thunder of Dunnville - my old club. With him at third, they're a cinch to win the league. But not the title, of course.

The chicken-raising season is now over. The birds have...um...gone to live on a farm in the country. Yeah, that's it.